woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
