Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
