I just cut my nipple shaving
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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