Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
