I need to stop coming to work sober
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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