Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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