Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
