you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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