I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize