You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
