I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
