I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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