he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize