The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
