i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize