if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
