I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
