she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
