How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize