as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
