every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
MIDGETS
????
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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