my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
