life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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