I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
smell my finger.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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