I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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