You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
