i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
