I cannot find my penis.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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