I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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