My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
