I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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