If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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