My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
In America we eat man semen.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
