im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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