My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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