any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
