just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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