i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
