Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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