My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
