I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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