I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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