how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
