sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
only if we run a train.
done.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
