you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
