i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
