I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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