she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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