just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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