made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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