Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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