you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
