i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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