I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
