This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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