I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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