I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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