taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
