I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
