i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I pour the whiskey from now on
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
