I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
