Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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