I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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