I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
