it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Found your dick twin last night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
