Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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