I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
