So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
