That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The uberlube is also flammable
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
