new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Princesses don't give blow jobs
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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