Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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