Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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