Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize